Monday, July 10, 2006

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back to Your Lingerie Drawer

Apparently, it's "nether regions week" here at KulturFluff. Who knew? In today's installment, I'll be filling you in on the previously-overlooked need for technology in underwear.

Before I reveal to you the debacle of a product that I came across today, however, I feel it necessary to explain how I found it. Let it be heard across the land: I seek the holy grail of the perfect pair of underwear. There. I said it. Judge me as you will.

Look, y'all should know how important this is. What else do you wear every single day? Ideally, it should be comfortable, and it should look good, and I shouldn't have to take out a second mortgage in order to have a set that will last me two weeks. You'd think I was asking to acquire my own private space shuttle or something. Here's the deal: I'm not one for the skin-tight pants, but I do hate a panty line. Either it's too much What Not To Wear, or else it's simply vanity; at no time do I need anything bisecting my butt. Thus, we have essentially two options.

Option A: floss.
Super. Both an infinitesimal amount of material, and what is extant is transparent.

Option B: bloomers.
A terrific idea, if only I were interested in hooking the waistband to a bra so as to make my own frumpy catsuit.

I'll spare you the current versions of the ever-delightful, "figure-friendly" industry that is the shaper/support/modern girdle. Suffice to say that I have now thrown myself on the mercy of the internet in a desperate attempt for a global search for some sort of midground between options A and B. But here's the deal, folks. If you, in a haze of undergarment need and desperation type a word like "panties" into Google, you must be prepared for what you find. So, all right, I could have guessed I'd get some manifestation of "MTV Asia Schoolgirl Panties." And if I had thought about it for more than a second, I suppose I could also have imagined a number, though perhaps not the masses of sites devoted to "men who wear panties."

What I was not, prepared for, however, was the idea of forget me not panties--a product that incorporates a GPS system into it. What for, you might ask? Why, to monitor your wife and daughters, of course! Here's their promo bit:
protect her privates
Ever worry about your wife cheating?
Want to know where your daughter is late at night?
Need to know when your girlfriend's temperature is rising?

This amazing device will answer all of your questions! These panties can give you her location, and even her temperature and heart rate, and she will never even know it's there! Unlike the cumbersome and uncomfortable chastity belts of the past, these panties are 100% cotton, and use cutting-edge technology to help you protect what matters most.
make sure you will never be forgotten
I don't actually think that I have enough control over the English language to express how truly SCREWED UP this is. I suppose I could begin with the idea that we, as a culture, were longing for a more comfortable and less-cumbersome version of the chastity belt. I could start there. Then I could go on to the idea that this piece of crap protects "what matters most." Oh, right! I keep getting distracted by personality, sense-of-humor, boobs, even. Eyes on the prize!! I could also probably go after that last line, which is just too bizarre. In what way will this thing make sure that you--you big hunk of man-monitor, you--are not forgotten? Isn't that what you're hoping to check on? If your wife is stepping out (and I can't imagine why she would, with someone as trusting and generous as you at home), aren't these panties the means to prove that you have been forgotten? As a parting shot, however, I think I'd have to go with the idea that "she will never even know it's there." Because it's important, in relationships with women, to be able to scrutinize every change of their bodies, and where on the planet that change is occurring, at every moment. You never know what women do when they're out of your sight. For further proof, check out the testimonials on the site!

I suppose it's not even worth mentioning that these don't come in men's sizes.


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