Note to Self

Never read your email before going to bed. What good will come of it? Honestly, it's not like you're going to be informed that you've won the lottery. It's much more likely that you'll find an email that can, in one fell swoop: rub your nose in your misguided attempt to make a suggestion to your colleagues; show how that suggestion was perceived as you misrepresenting the idea of another faculty member; endanger your good working relationship with said faculty member, which you've been building for four years; document that faculty member's response, in which he disavows having said such a thing (because he didn't, and you didn't either, but that's what got written on your behalf); embarrass and malign your integrity to as many people as possible using the crucial group mail function.

That's much more likely to be sitting in your inbox. And then you'll have to cry out of both rage and despair, and wonder why it is that some people are so deeply invested in being mean just for the sake of it. Or perhaps they're mean as a way of showing you that really, you have no power, and you'd be better off just shutting up. And then you'll have to contemplate the deep karmic toll of deciding that it's okay to hate someone. Particularly if that person has a long history of using these kinds of tactics to bend or break individuals in order to maintain power. And even then, you'll have to wonder if you can truly hate the person, or just yourself for allowing yourself to be treated this way.

Then, I suppose, it will be a long night spent churning over the idea of whether it's better to suck it up and hope that this will die down, in the way that once a predator establishes dominance, he'll leave the weaker animals alone, or whether the predator will continue to press the attack, because the weaker animals are even more vulnerable when they're down.

And I know this is whiny and pathetic and sad, but it's true. Once, just once, I wish someone would speak up to defend me in a public forum. I like to think that I do it for others. I'd like to call in a chip, if I have one. Because I'm really tired, and I'm really sad. And I don't want to become a disfigured, bitter person who's scared of taking a chance. But much more of this, and I'll be well on my way.